Here is the story of the woman who set up Mums in Need.
I am the founder of Mums In Need. I have a child and for many years spent time battling alone as a single mum following a very emotionally & financially abusive relationship break-up with my son’s father. Because of these experiences I decided to help mothers suffering as I did. I built this website in 2013 and set up this organisation up in 2014 after pondering on the idea for some time. I have written a book about my experience but it is not ready for publishing purposes just yet.
When I was 26 I met a man who seemed kind, charming and funny and very caring. He was already separated and had two children from a previous relationship. Over the first year I got to know him and fell in love (or so I thought). Then I became pregnant and cracks began to appear in the relationship. He manipulated our financial situation so I was paying all the rent and he gradually started to isolate me from my friends and family. Friends stopped coming round because he would make it obvious they weren’t welcome in our home; he’d make snide comments about them or humiliate me so they felt uncomfortable being with us. It’s difficult to pinpoint exactly how things started to go wrong, but before I knew it I found myself pregnant and in a relationship that was emotionally abusive.
As I became heavier and heavier during my pregnancy my ex manipulated our relationship so I was to blame for everything that went wrong – his usual reason for this was that I was “hormonal”. One day I found a hole in a door which was covered up by a poster. His daughter told me that my ex had punched a hole in the wall during one of his rages. I realised he had serious anger issues. He started going out and coming back steaming drunk having driven home. He would borrow my car, get a parking ticket then refuse to pay it. He would ask me to write him blank cheques so he could make payments to whoever he wanted. I stupidly allowed him access to my bank account and he ran up a huge overdraft, which he then refused to pay back. When we argued I was always in the wrong and he would never accept my point of view.
When my son arrived I tried to play happy families, but my ex’s bullying began to escalate further. He took money from my son’s bank account and refused to replace it. He used to shout and swear at me, standing millimetres from my face. I felt intimidated and scared on a daily basis.
When my son was one and I stopped breast-feeding he asked me to leave. His intention was to take me to court and gain residency for our son. I have to say I was quite relieved about the ending of the relationship, but terrified about going to court and battling with him. He’d already been to court with another ex (his daughter’s mum) and the process had lasted 11 years.
At the beginning of the split we set up an arrangement for our son almost immediately. My ex was to have him while I worked three days a week and I was to have him the remainder of the time. But, within weeks, the problems began. I would go to collect my son and he wouldn’t be home. He would switch his phone off and I wouldn’t know where my son was. This happened on multiple occasions. The nursery would call me to ask where my son was but my ex would simply refuse to take him there. He began harassing me for money and making demands that I pay his bills even though I was no longer living in his flat. Whenever we had contact he became hostile and aggressive. He would shout abuse at me over the phone and would throw things around the house in anger.
I was terrified he would take out his anger on our son – a side of him I had seen when we were together. Eventually I told him I would keep my son with me until he could sort out his anger problems. At this point he threatened to burn my house down and then proceeded to take me to court. I went to the police, but other than giving me a reference number they didn’t take the matter further.
An arduous legal battle ensued in which I found myself completely unsupported by the legal system. The fact that he was an emotional abuser wasn’t recognised by the courts and each week I found myself handing over my son into a home situation that was potentially unsafe for him. On one occasion a neighbour informed me there had been an incident at his home and the police had removed his daughter from there for her own safety. I had no idea what had happened and was terrified about leaving my son with him when I didn’t know what the police were accusing him of. I sought legal advice from my solicitor who advised me I would still have to hand my son over regardless.
I felt I wasn’t listened to and that my child’s safety and emotional needs weren’t being met. I felt completely alone and unsupported by the legal structures that were supposedly in place to protect me and my child.
During this time I felt I was merely surviving and I was scared my life would be like this forever. I underwent an immense amount of stress, loss of money and mental anguish as a result. The whole process was utterly soul-destroying.
I wanted to do the right thing and to try and achieve the best possible outcome for my son. I kept to my side of the arrangement and allowed my son to have contact with his father. It was emotionally very difficult for me because I felt so anxious about leaving my son with him.
The original court case began in 2009 and ended in 2011. But unfortunately due to physical and emotional safety concerns that I had, the matter was returned to court in 2013 and then stopped and then started again in 2015 and lasted for a year. It took me some time to accept that I had to go through the family courts again, but I have now learnt to accept that no matter how hard things get and how difficult the battle is, it is worth fighting for. As mums we endeavour to do our best for our children. I have reached back to a safe and healthy emotional place and now I am there and ready to help others.